If my dog could write, his condescending mother's day card to me would likely look like this:

Dear Human Mom,

I'd like to point out that because it's Mother's Day, I let you sleep in an extra hour and half (until 9 AM!) before I sat on you and licked your face to remind you that I needed to pee and was hungry.

Also, I hid your mother's day present somewhere in the house. (Hint: it's behind the couch and looks and smells like yesterday's dinner.)

But really though, you should be appreciating me on this day, not the other way around. Nevermind the fact my dog hair gets everywhere, or that I can't pick up my own poop, my presence in your life has greatly improved it.

For example, if it weren't for me eating half your belongings every time you don't take me on a lengthy walk, you'd probably be fat. (You're welcome.)

Also, I ate the last brownie from the pan this morning. I know you put it on top of the microwave to try and discourage me from doing just that, but let's be honest, you certainly didn't need to eat it. (Once again, you're welcome.)

I know you often complain about how expensive my organic, gluten-free, Rachel-Ray brand dog food is, but on the bright side, at least I will never be a teenager or need a college education ($$$$!).

Love, 

Knox

PS. Thanks for wiping the poop off my butt yesterday however I could have saved you the trouble and just licked it off.

PPS. Can you not watch The Parent Trap? First of all, you're too old. Secondly, that Golden Retriever in the movie keeps talking shit.

My life is a very long episode of Law and Order.

This week is my one-year anniversary working as a crime reporter. I am "celebrating" the milestone by covering a five-day murder trial.

While I cover both crime and courts, this past year none of the high-profile arrests went to trial. So my first trial coincided with my anniversary.

Prior to taking this job, my understanding of the criminal justice system, like most Americans, was limited to my extensive viewing of CSI and Law and Order: SVU.

On TV, everything moves quickly. All the agencies are well-staffed, the bad guy always has a motive, every case goes to trial, and all the lawyers and cops are attractive.

Unfortunately, my professional life is nothing like that. DNA evidence, if there is any, frequently takes months to get back, and sometimes even longer depending on the priority of the case. 

Things rarely go to trial (thank God) and most people don't look like Detective Benson and Stabler from Law and Order SVU.

(Yeah. I Instagramed part of the trial.)

Worst of all, there are real victims whose lives have been ripped apart by violence. The situation is sad, and the trials often traumatize the family because they are exposed to autopsy photos as well as scrutiny by the defense.

As a reporter, trials make for long work days. After several hours of testimony each day, I need to consolidate the most interesting stuff to 500 words. It's stressful, overwhelming and after each day I had no idea where to start. 

****

On the first day of trial, I drove to Starbucks before court that morning to buy my overpriced coffee to get me through the day. When I got there, however, I realized I had forgotten my wallet.

I became irrationally upset about it, and I asked my boyfriend if he could bring my wallet and my high-maintenance drink to the courthouse for me.

Nothing says love like a boyfriend bringing his crime-reporter girlfriend coffee while she is covering a trial.

***

On top of all the stress, the benches in the courtroom freaking suck. By the end of this trial, my fanny is going to be flat.

Because they are so uncomfortable, and because I don't do well being forced to sit still for longer than 5 minutes, I have to fight the urge to not flip off my heels and put my feet up on the bench in front of me.

***

Trials also make me hungry.

So much so that when the judge would recess for lunch, I would bolt out of the courtroom and down the stairs for lunch.

My fleeing was so obvious that the defense attorney, a guy in his 70s who reminds me of my grandfather, started teasing me about it.

****

For most of the week, I sat by a friend of the defendant. We were chatting one morning before trial and we started talking about dogs, and the friend asked me if I was interested in adopting a great dane.

My first non-verbal reaction was, "No way do I want a dog whose poops are bigger than mine." My second non-verbal reaction was, "Didn't the guy on trial for first-degree murder have a great dane?"

Turns out the great dane the guy wanted me to adopt was the defendant's, and had been at the house at the time of the shooting.

I politely said no thank you.

MINDY KALING FAVORITED ONE OF MY TWEETS!!!!! and other news

Tonight I cam home from work exhausted, upset, and unmotivated to do anything but sit on my couch and waste my life on Facebook.

I watched last night's episode of The Daily Show, and on it Jon Stewart interviewed Mindy Kaling about how cool/awesome/funny her show is. I tweeted about it, made some tea, then started crying for good reason other than I felt like I needed to cry.

Then this happened:

Is this what it feels like to be the coolest kid in high school? I think yes.

I stopped crying, blinked a few times, then made a celebratory Facebook status in all capital letters and lots of exclamation points.

It is safe to say I have a serious girl crush on Mindy Kaling. She is so funny, cool and successful that I sort of hate her. I read her book, I follow her on Twitter and on Instagram.

My boyfriend records The Mindy Show on his DVR and we watch it together every week.  Mostly because he knows he'd be dead meat if he watched it without me.

So yeah. I am a fan.

Here's the tweet in it's entirety: (And yes, it's nestled right in there between tweets about Will Smith and painful boogers.)

Basically, Mindy and I are real best friends at this point.